Jenessa Explains It All - Yorkshire-based Lifestyle, Fashion, Feminism and Music Blogger

If the 2010’s have taught us anything, it’s that it’s more important than ever to embrace and accept the many different ways in which people choose to live their lives. For writer Juno Dawson, exploring the different expression of gender has shaped her entire life, realizing at a young age that societies norms were no fit for how she felt inside.

Born and raised in Bingley, Juno lived the first 28 years of her life as James Dawson, experiencing huge success as a PSHE teacher and young adult novelist before sharing her desire to transition with her parents in 2015, a conversation that Juno says was “even harder than telling them she was a gay man 10 years earlier.” Northern attitudes have come a long way since the 80s, but due to a lack of trans visibility and understanding of gender as a spectrum, she believes that her self-acceptance as a trans woman could have come a lot sooner.

The mainstream press likes to belittle teen authors, but there is no denying that Juno’s work is exceedingly powerful and vital in a world where sex education in schools (for the LGBTQ community especially) leaves plenty to be desired. Stepping aside from fiction to release ‘This Book Is Gay’ in 2014 was a watershed moment for her career, an uncensored look at LGBTQ living that acted as both friend and confidant to countless teenagers across the globe negotiating their sense of identity.

Returning in 2017 to her hometown, Juno appears at Leeds Waterstones in order to discuss and take questions about her latest book, the Gender Games. A memoir of sorts, it’s a delightful and touching read, discussing the process of her transition from gay male to straight female and the acceptance that you can never be truly ‘finished’ with becoming who you really are. She talks about the process with great humour and self-deprecation, immediately likeable with her broad smile and penchant for an air quote that puts the audience at ease.

“I used to think that a person had to be over 80 before they wrote a memoir, unless they are a Spice Girl, or you have shaped or changed history in some way; like a Spice Girl”, she reads from her opening chapter. Explaining further, she details that the idea for the book only came about during the research process of ‘This Book Is Gay’, which found her introduced to a much wider trans community than the one she has been exposed to in Bingley.

“I knew that there were trans people in the media but hadn’t spent an awful amount of time with people of my age. It was really important to me with that book that I featured people from right across the gender and sexuality spectrum, and it was only really in hearing various trans men and women speak that I realized they were telling me my story, telling me the things I’ve always known to be true about myself”.

Speaking of the earliest impressions of gender placed on children in maternity wards right through to the ‘distinct, dissonant’ behaviours that society teaches us to expect of men and women, “The Gender Games’ is a self-aware read that regularly reiterates the fact that no person’s experience is the same. Juno is quick to admit that her transition may have come about more easily that others experience and notes her own ‘slim, white, aesthetically femme’ privilege in the process of trans acceptance.

“I felt very privileged to be in a position where I could explore my gender identity working in the media and in London where it was comfortable, and I was financially stable enough to be able to pay for my counseling which not everybody is.” She explains. “After about a year in therapy I started to confide in friends and family and got all my ducks in a row.”

Despite having time to come to terms with both her own gender and the process of writing a book, nothing quite prepares a person for the act of laying their life story bare in memoir form. “I’d been through the treadmill of social media backlash so I approached the gender games thinking ‘I’m in charge’” she admits. “There were bits of my life that I was happy to share and bits that I didn’t think were that shocking, but what I hadn’t realized it that once you publish a book, it’s completely out of your control. My mum got hold of the Guardian extract which had details about my sex life and she was really upset – not that I’m an adult doing adult things, but just that sense of ‘why is my child in a national newspaper talking about her private life?’. Some of my friends were a bit upset in the way they were described which was hard for me because it was never my intention. I think there’s a lesson there to anybody writing confessionally; releasing the book can be much harder that writing it”

Despite her fair share of narrow-minded backlash online, Juno remains a fierce defender of social media and the relationship it allows her to create with her mostly young adult readers. “I don’t know if anybody sets out to be a role model because it’s a very heavy burden. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t get a letter from somebody which is such a compliment, but it’s very very difficult to be able to give advice because there is no one way to be or to come out” she explains. “If I say ‘just tell your mum, mums love a gay!’ and that child finds themselves on the street, how can I live with that? The problem with social media is that it’s a nuance void – it’s very easy to lose the intention. It’s a dangerous thing – you know when you publish a book like ‘this book is gay’ that it’s likely to ruffle some feathers and good, because sex education in schools is so undersupported and underfunded. You get people telling you to kill yourself on twitter and you think ‘this is the worst’, but then you close your laptop and you go outside, and lo and behold, nobody runs ups holding the trash emoji. For all of it’s faults, I still love twitter. I’ll defend social media to the death because if youtube had been around when I was a teenager, I feel I’d have discovered my identity a lot sooner”

Drawing the evening to a close, Juno is left to part with some final words on the legacy she hopes ‘The Gender Games’ will leave. With an updated paperback edition already in the works for next year as well as a hush-hush documentary (“I got some free plastic surgery out of it, you’d do it too”), she hopes that the book will open up a much-needed discussion in not just trans peoples lives.

“When I was approached for the book I was really keen that I didn’t just perpetuate this stereotype of ‘trans person: my brave journey” – I feel we’ve moved past that” she says. “What I’m interested in is everyone’s relationship with gender – whether you’re Cis, Trans, Agender, Non-Binary, we are all tuned into Radio Gender . From such a young age it says don’t wear this or shave that or you run like a girl or boys don’t cry, all these potentially harmful things. It’s important to me that the reader comes away from it addressing their own relationship with gender. Whoever you are and however you identify, we are living in a completely gendered world, and unless you’re Piers Morgan, I don’t see anybody denying that. I feel we are in the midst of a gender revolution – there’s documentaries and tabloids and forums and social media discussions, there’s definitely something happening…”

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When I think back to a time where blogging had first really blown up, one of the first names I think of is Emma Gannon. Having followed her blog 'Girl Lost In The City' for an age, she was a writer I delighted in following the success of - creative, motivated and honest, she was proof that blogging wasn't just about owning an expensive camera and hobnobbing round events. For Emma, words really mattered, and as someone who was used to describing myself as a 'journalist' rather than a 'blogger'*, she made me feel as if there was a space in this community for people whose first love was wordplay. Due to her chatty nature, watching her grow and flourish became like watching a friend succeed - I'd never met this person, and yet I was so, so chuffed to watch them reach their goals.

One such goal was writing a book. 'Ctrl Alt Delete' is nearly a year old now, but having finally gotten my act together and picked up a copy, it's everything you could want from Emma's blogging voice and more. Tracking her experiences of growing up online, I'm in total agreement with her that our generation were SO lucky to know an adolescence that existed before instagram. Changing your MSN display name to impress a boy, trusting people with your innermost thoughts before you'd even figured out what they properly were - it's all here in brave and wincing detail, boldly expressing it's own flaws with the same confidence that made HBO's Girls so loveable.

It's not all cringey moments though- if the first half sparks concerns about how teens of the present and future are handling growing up in this all-access world, the latter half of the book is dedicated to the internet as an adult, and the joy that social media can bring - the friends, the conversations, the fact that there is space for everyone. There's a really powerful moment in chapter eleven about trolling where Emma admit that's writers make mistakes and it's okay to change your mind on something - something we so easily forget when we call people out for a poorly-phrased tweet or contradictory quote from their past.

In the best possible way, Ctrl Alt Delete doesn't feel like something only Emma could have written - it's topic is something that most late 80s/ early 90s born bloggers know well and may have even written a post about. But Emma's not just every other blogger. The power here is in her humorous expression, her passion for her subject and her willingness to laugh at her past. For all of these reasons and more, 'Ctrl Alt Delete' is the logical extension of all the things that are great about the internet - the opportunities to carve out your own space and tell your story, safe in the knowledge that somebody out there will probably see something of themselves in your anecdotes.

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So. It's been a bit quiet around these parts hasn't it? I could launch into a big apology or make excuses but I've long come to accept that this blog is mostly for me, a way to explore thoughts and capture memories and that sometimes I'm too busy living it to have to explain it to strangers on the internet. Until now, obviously.

I quit my job about three months ago. I loved that job, lived it and breathed it, but it didn't love me - it exploited the weaknesses in my mental health and pushed me to a place where I actively dreaded each weekday I had to sit at my laptop and battle to meet ever-increasing expectations. Without wanting to sound dramatic, I ending up having something of a nervous breakdown, and I lost all the essence of the parts of myself that I was proud of - boiled down to a weak, unmotivated shell who worried, second-guessed and panicked my way through each day, minute-by-minute, to the point that I could barely make a decision as to what to have for tea let alone where I wanted my future to go. I had nothing left to give to myself, my partner, my family or friends and probably cried more than I had in my 23 years prior. And so I called halt. Forever a perfectionist, it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do, to admit that I didn't want to try harder, but I did it. And I've since realised that for the instant spike in my happiness, it was something I should have spoke up about a lot sooner.

So what is new? Everything and nothing. I still spend my days mostly working from home, but the work I do has totally changed. I thought long and hard about what I was going to do in my life-post job, and realised that there was only really one answer - to return to my original passions. It was always my goal to return to academia and so I've applied for my masters degree, part time, in the hope of pursuing my eventual PhD and possible career in lecturing. I'm still waiting for the official acceptance, but I feel hopeful - the practice of writing and researching the application gave me a buoyancy I haven't felt in years and I'm pretty sure I'll really love being a student again.

Aside from that, I'm doing a ton of writing. Some paid, some not. But mostly paid, which I'm hugely grateful for as somebody who has been out of this game for a long time. My new freelance commitments give me a structure I can handle - I'm still working for myself and am in control but I get out of the house and do things I love - talking to interesting people, trying new experiences, sharing advice and knowledge and hopefully, some good humour. I've also stepped back into vintage and music events - working in a local clothing shop, running the door at gigs and making new friends at each is enough to keep me out of the bubble of home-working isolation that I don't think is truly good for anybody longterm.

When I quit my job, I told myself I'd take a bit of a break, but two weeks in and I was already just as busy as I was before. It's just who I am. But now, it's all about balance - I now have the flexibility to take a weekend off, to hang out with my friends, to flit about between different projects. The freelance, self-employed lifestyle is one that suits me - I can go 0 to 100% when my brain is being kind to me, and have the breathing space to accept when I just need a day to refresh.

When you've been sad for so long, it's amazing how alien it feels to be good again. My job wasn't the whole reason I felt depressed and anxious - those are feelings I've experienced my whole life and imagine I always will, but it was a role that definitely exacerbated the symptoms and made it near-on impossible to find level ground. I'm still taking my pills, have been to stress management classes and am on a waiting list for one-on-one counselling - nothing has been solved overnight but I have found the strength to work on it. It's a process, and it's not all one upward curve - some days feel like a total regression whereas others feel like I haven't a care in the world. But the one big thing that's changed is possibility - I no longer feel like my life is being run for me. I'm looking forward to things again - holidays away with my girls, spontaneous visits to see my mum, even little things like putting outfits together for work or planning out my week's calendar. With every sunny weekend in London, afternoon interviewing my favourite band, or birthday drinks with my favourite people, the fog of the past 8 months or so is slowly lifting.

Hopefully this will mean more. More blog posts, more adventures, more creative endeavours and projects and thoughts. I want to pass my driving test and start my masters and maybe think about creating a little zine. But it's okay those things don't come to fruition immediately. I'm a stickler for being too hard on myself but if recent events have taught me anything, it's that it's okay not to be everything to everyone. I've already surprised myself with how much I've managed to pick back up both personally and professionally and heck, I'm allowed to accept that I think I'm doing well. Best of all, I regret nothing - every decision I ever made was the right one at the time and I stand by them all. I was missing for a little while but I wasn't lost - now feels like the right time to bring the colour back. So watch this space, or don't - I've found a happy medium where I'm cool either way, and that's a wonderful feeling to have.

Further Reading: This fab article by Daisy Buchanan is a little old now but came to me at EXACTLY the right time and full convinced me that I wasn't alone -

http://www.thedebrief.co.uk/news/real-life/i-quit-my-dream-job-for-my-mental-health-20150542495

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Easter weekend is here and quite frankly, there is no better excuse to get stuck into some serious Netflix binging. For me, I'll be frantically searching to fill the gap of one of the best shows I've watched in a long time - 13 Reasons Why.

The premise is reasonably straightforward but undeniably dark - based on a book of the same name, the series explores the thirteen tapes that teen Hannah Baker leaves behind, detailing the stories of her interactions with the thirteen people that she believes contributed to her decision to end her own life. Passed from person to person, we experience the tapes along with Clay, a seemingly good guy deeply in love with Hannah who unravels slowly under the pressure of hiding such a monumental set of secrets, many of which aren't his own.

Although the show has drawn parallels to the likes of Pretty Little Liars and Riverdale, the tone is definitely a lot more serious and ultimately tragic - scenes were graphic, realistic and at times horribly uncomfortable, but all for good reason. Issues of rape, sexual violence and suicide are all very much issues that we avoid talking about and understandably so, but there is no denying that there are hugely important to discuss with a teen audience, as perfectly exemplified by how quickly things escalate for the characters in the show.

As we journey through the tapes and discover each teen's mistake or reason for letting Hannah down,

we can see that many of the 13 were invested in Hannah's life, were her friends deep down - they just didn't realise the implications of their actions and how they became pieces of such a damning puzzle. This importance is twofold - a humbling reminder to be kinder to those whose struggle we do not understand, of not taking friendship for granted and also the importance of admitting when you need help - through the series and especially towards the end we see characters who could have been of great solace and perhaps even saviour to Hannah - Clay, Jessica, even her poetry group.

The honesty with which Hannah is portrayed by Katherine Langford is fantastic, showing that she was as flawed as the rest. She took certain things too personally, expected others to read her mind and didn't speak up when she needed it most. But yet, this is so distinctive of those who are mentally ill, trying to grapple with a multitude of issues and feeling permanently let down by those she put her trust in. It feel right and proper that the show depicted her as a real person who made mistakes but was good at heart and didn't deserve what happened to her- so often such shows paint the vulnerable character as entirely meek and tragic and Hannah was so much more than that - spirited and popular, her essence was eroded away by a string of increasingly cruel acts resulting from a seemingly innocuous incident of slut shaming.

And yet, amidst all the time we spent to using on Hannah and her story, we totally missed what was going on with Alex- the warning signs that he wasn't happy. The order he kept to his bedroom in his final scenes, the recklessness with which he drove, his despondence towards his own future and the outcome of the tapes only come back into our consciousness when we realise that he has already shot himself in the head. It's a truth we see in our own lives- it's so often impossible to know what everybody in our lives is thinking, who may be wrestling with things we can only imagine and the clues that only fall into place when it's too late. This powerful plot twist struck hard, proof of how much can slip under your nose if you're not paying proper attention.

13 Reasons Why raises a lot of important issues - the way we treat rape victims, the internalised misogyny of young women, the way school systems celebrate high achievers and sports people and allow those in the middle to get left behind, alongside more traditional themes of peer pressure, popularity and teenage angst. The commitment to diversity in its cast is impressive, and each character carries their own nuance without over-reliance on stereotype or racial profiling. And then there is the question for the audience themselves- did you binge watch the tapes? Or space them out like Clay, afraid of what you might hear next? What sort of a friend would you be?

The last episode is a killer in more ways than one. Does Bryce go to prison? How do Hannah's parents react to the tapes? And will Tyler carry out the school massacre he seems to be planning? These ominous cliffhangers leaves a lasting impact, gifting the audience nearly as many questions as it opened with. This potency can only remain if there isn't another series- although the act of suicide is final for its sentencer, those who are left behind can never truly have all the answers and what we are left behind with will never feel wholly settled. It's this sense of unease, of wishing that there could somehow be a happier ending that makes 13 Reasons Why such a triumph, a powerful testament to the importance of communication and the tragedies we can avoid with just a little more attention to the world around us.

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Work - we've all got to do it. And when you're a woman, work often comes with a ton of extra issues that arise due to the misogyny and gender inequality that unfortunately still plagues pretty much all industries. So how do you nail that dream position with all the obstacles thrown at you?

Feminist Fight Club is the pep talk in front of the mirror that you always needed but didn’t quite know how to provide for yourself. Whatever line of work you find yourself in, if you identify as a woman you will find that many of the hallmarks ring true - from niceness being perceived as weakness to asking for a raise and tips on how to exert authority in a situation where you find yourself a natural minority due to your gender, age or skin colour. There’s so much evidence of all the things we as women do - focusing on our losses over our wins, only applying for jobs that we 100% meet the criteria for whereas men will be happy with 60%, allowing ourselves to be talked over, and underestimating our own worth.

Jessica's 'let's get shit done but keep our sense of humour' style of writing makes for a relatable kick-up-the-butt that greatly simulates a night in with your girlfriends. It’s a lot to take in in one sitting, but it’s great at making you realise that those massive problems you’ve experiencing at work aren’t just your own and similarly, they may not have to be the massive deal you think you are. As somebody who made the decision to move away from a very exciting and stimulating job for the sake of my own mental health at the start of this year, it’s a good reminder that you have to be your own best friend and keep in mind what is best for you - even if what you're doing on paper seems enviable, it's important to remember that you work for a living rather than living to work.

One to file next to girl boss by Sophia Amoruso, it will have you thinking about your career with much better self esteem than you ever realised. It’s not just about overcoming the barriers put in front of women, but in recognising the barriers we put in front of ourselves and sometimes, other women too - rule one of the feminism fight club is that you look after your sisters - and not just your cis-ters either. The strongest takeaway from the book for me was about how vital it is to build a support group of women you love and admire to aid you in your journey - girl can never have too many pals to call her out when she's making a bad decision, or build her up when she needs cheerleading. Buy this book, find your gang and get ready to ask for what you want - you'll be glad you did.

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