Jenessa Explains It All - Yorkshire-based Lifestyle, Fashion, Feminism and Music Blogger

So. It's been a bit quiet around these parts hasn't it? I could launch into a big apology or make excuses but I've long come to accept that this blog is mostly for me, a way to explore thoughts and capture memories and that sometimes I'm too busy living it to have to explain it to strangers on the internet. Until now, obviously.

I quit my job about three months ago. I loved that job, lived it and breathed it, but it didn't love me - it exploited the weaknesses in my mental health and pushed me to a place where I actively dreaded each weekday I had to sit at my laptop and battle to meet ever-increasing expectations. Without wanting to sound dramatic, I ending up having something of a nervous breakdown, and I lost all the essence of the parts of myself that I was proud of - boiled down to a weak, unmotivated shell who worried, second-guessed and panicked my way through each day, minute-by-minute, to the point that I could barely make a decision as to what to have for tea let alone where I wanted my future to go. I had nothing left to give to myself, my partner, my family or friends and probably cried more than I had in my 23 years prior. And so I called halt. Forever a perfectionist, it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do, to admit that I didn't want to try harder, but I did it. And I've since realised that for the instant spike in my happiness, it was something I should have spoke up about a lot sooner.

So what is new? Everything and nothing. I still spend my days mostly working from home, but the work I do has totally changed. I thought long and hard about what I was going to do in my life-post job, and realised that there was only really one answer - to return to my original passions. It was always my goal to return to academia and so I've applied for my masters degree, part time, in the hope of pursuing my eventual PhD and possible career in lecturing. I'm still waiting for the official acceptance, but I feel hopeful - the practice of writing and researching the application gave me a buoyancy I haven't felt in years and I'm pretty sure I'll really love being a student again.

Aside from that, I'm doing a ton of writing. Some paid, some not. But mostly paid, which I'm hugely grateful for as somebody who has been out of this game for a long time. My new freelance commitments give me a structure I can handle - I'm still working for myself and am in control but I get out of the house and do things I love - talking to interesting people, trying new experiences, sharing advice and knowledge and hopefully, some good humour. I've also stepped back into vintage and music events - working in a local clothing shop, running the door at gigs and making new friends at each is enough to keep me out of the bubble of home-working isolation that I don't think is truly good for anybody longterm.

When I quit my job, I told myself I'd take a bit of a break, but two weeks in and I was already just as busy as I was before. It's just who I am. But now, it's all about balance - I now have the flexibility to take a weekend off, to hang out with my friends, to flit about between different projects. The freelance, self-employed lifestyle is one that suits me - I can go 0 to 100% when my brain is being kind to me, and have the breathing space to accept when I just need a day to refresh.

When you've been sad for so long, it's amazing how alien it feels to be good again. My job wasn't the whole reason I felt depressed and anxious - those are feelings I've experienced my whole life and imagine I always will, but it was a role that definitely exacerbated the symptoms and made it near-on impossible to find level ground. I'm still taking my pills, have been to stress management classes and am on a waiting list for one-on-one counselling - nothing has been solved overnight but I have found the strength to work on it. It's a process, and it's not all one upward curve - some days feel like a total regression whereas others feel like I haven't a care in the world. But the one big thing that's changed is possibility - I no longer feel like my life is being run for me. I'm looking forward to things again - holidays away with my girls, spontaneous visits to see my mum, even little things like putting outfits together for work or planning out my week's calendar. With every sunny weekend in London, afternoon interviewing my favourite band, or birthday drinks with my favourite people, the fog of the past 8 months or so is slowly lifting.

Hopefully this will mean more. More blog posts, more adventures, more creative endeavours and projects and thoughts. I want to pass my driving test and start my masters and maybe think about creating a little zine. But it's okay those things don't come to fruition immediately. I'm a stickler for being too hard on myself but if recent events have taught me anything, it's that it's okay not to be everything to everyone. I've already surprised myself with how much I've managed to pick back up both personally and professionally and heck, I'm allowed to accept that I think I'm doing well. Best of all, I regret nothing - every decision I ever made was the right one at the time and I stand by them all. I was missing for a little while but I wasn't lost - now feels like the right time to bring the colour back. So watch this space, or don't - I've found a happy medium where I'm cool either way, and that's a wonderful feeling to have.

Further Reading: This fab article by Daisy Buchanan is a little old now but came to me at EXACTLY the right time and full convinced me that I wasn't alone -

http://www.thedebrief.co.uk/news/real-life/i-quit-my-dream-job-for-my-mental-health-20150542495

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Easter weekend is here and quite frankly, there is no better excuse to get stuck into some serious Netflix binging. For me, I'll be frantically searching to fill the gap of one of the best shows I've watched in a long time - 13 Reasons Why.

The premise is reasonably straightforward but undeniably dark - based on a book of the same name, the series explores the thirteen tapes that teen Hannah Baker leaves behind, detailing the stories of her interactions with the thirteen people that she believes contributed to her decision to end her own life. Passed from person to person, we experience the tapes along with Clay, a seemingly good guy deeply in love with Hannah who unravels slowly under the pressure of hiding such a monumental set of secrets, many of which aren't his own.

Although the show has drawn parallels to the likes of Pretty Little Liars and Riverdale, the tone is definitely a lot more serious and ultimately tragic - scenes were graphic, realistic and at times horribly uncomfortable, but all for good reason. Issues of rape, sexual violence and suicide are all very much issues that we avoid talking about and understandably so, but there is no denying that there are hugely important to discuss with a teen audience, as perfectly exemplified by how quickly things escalate for the characters in the show.

As we journey through the tapes and discover each teen's mistake or reason for letting Hannah down,

we can see that many of the 13 were invested in Hannah's life, were her friends deep down - they just didn't realise the implications of their actions and how they became pieces of such a damning puzzle. This importance is twofold - a humbling reminder to be kinder to those whose struggle we do not understand, of not taking friendship for granted and also the importance of admitting when you need help - through the series and especially towards the end we see characters who could have been of great solace and perhaps even saviour to Hannah - Clay, Jessica, even her poetry group.

The honesty with which Hannah is portrayed by Katherine Langford is fantastic, showing that she was as flawed as the rest. She took certain things too personally, expected others to read her mind and didn't speak up when she needed it most. But yet, this is so distinctive of those who are mentally ill, trying to grapple with a multitude of issues and feeling permanently let down by those she put her trust in. It feel right and proper that the show depicted her as a real person who made mistakes but was good at heart and didn't deserve what happened to her- so often such shows paint the vulnerable character as entirely meek and tragic and Hannah was so much more than that - spirited and popular, her essence was eroded away by a string of increasingly cruel acts resulting from a seemingly innocuous incident of slut shaming.

And yet, amidst all the time we spent to using on Hannah and her story, we totally missed what was going on with Alex- the warning signs that he wasn't happy. The order he kept to his bedroom in his final scenes, the recklessness with which he drove, his despondence towards his own future and the outcome of the tapes only come back into our consciousness when we realise that he has already shot himself in the head. It's a truth we see in our own lives- it's so often impossible to know what everybody in our lives is thinking, who may be wrestling with things we can only imagine and the clues that only fall into place when it's too late. This powerful plot twist struck hard, proof of how much can slip under your nose if you're not paying proper attention.

13 Reasons Why raises a lot of important issues - the way we treat rape victims, the internalised misogyny of young women, the way school systems celebrate high achievers and sports people and allow those in the middle to get left behind, alongside more traditional themes of peer pressure, popularity and teenage angst. The commitment to diversity in its cast is impressive, and each character carries their own nuance without over-reliance on stereotype or racial profiling. And then there is the question for the audience themselves- did you binge watch the tapes? Or space them out like Clay, afraid of what you might hear next? What sort of a friend would you be?

The last episode is a killer in more ways than one. Does Bryce go to prison? How do Hannah's parents react to the tapes? And will Tyler carry out the school massacre he seems to be planning? These ominous cliffhangers leaves a lasting impact, gifting the audience nearly as many questions as it opened with. This potency can only remain if there isn't another series- although the act of suicide is final for its sentencer, those who are left behind can never truly have all the answers and what we are left behind with will never feel wholly settled. It's this sense of unease, of wishing that there could somehow be a happier ending that makes 13 Reasons Why such a triumph, a powerful testament to the importance of communication and the tragedies we can avoid with just a little more attention to the world around us.

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Work - we've all got to do it. And when you're a woman, work often comes with a ton of extra issues that arise due to the misogyny and gender inequality that unfortunately still plagues pretty much all industries. So how do you nail that dream position with all the obstacles thrown at you?

Feminist Fight Club is the pep talk in front of the mirror that you always needed but didn’t quite know how to provide for yourself. Whatever line of work you find yourself in, if you identify as a woman you will find that many of the hallmarks ring true - from niceness being perceived as weakness to asking for a raise and tips on how to exert authority in a situation where you find yourself a natural minority due to your gender, age or skin colour. There’s so much evidence of all the things we as women do - focusing on our losses over our wins, only applying for jobs that we 100% meet the criteria for whereas men will be happy with 60%, allowing ourselves to be talked over, and underestimating our own worth.

Jessica's 'let's get shit done but keep our sense of humour' style of writing makes for a relatable kick-up-the-butt that greatly simulates a night in with your girlfriends. It’s a lot to take in in one sitting, but it’s great at making you realise that those massive problems you’ve experiencing at work aren’t just your own and similarly, they may not have to be the massive deal you think you are. As somebody who made the decision to move away from a very exciting and stimulating job for the sake of my own mental health at the start of this year, it’s a good reminder that you have to be your own best friend and keep in mind what is best for you - even if what you're doing on paper seems enviable, it's important to remember that you work for a living rather than living to work.

One to file next to girl boss by Sophia Amoruso, it will have you thinking about your career with much better self esteem than you ever realised. It’s not just about overcoming the barriers put in front of women, but in recognising the barriers we put in front of ourselves and sometimes, other women too - rule one of the feminism fight club is that you look after your sisters - and not just your cis-ters either. The strongest takeaway from the book for me was about how vital it is to build a support group of women you love and admire to aid you in your journey - girl can never have too many pals to call her out when she's making a bad decision, or build her up when she needs cheerleading. Buy this book, find your gang and get ready to ask for what you want - you'll be glad you did.

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‘I hear brand new sounds in my mind...’

It's no exaggeration to say that in Lorde, I feel a kindred spirit. Although infinitely more eloquent and talented than I, there are few records-worth of lyrics that resonate closer with the way I felt as a teenager than the ones Ella wrote for Pure Heroine - that heavy, self inflicted sense of burden that comes from realising that you think a little bit deeper and with more melancholy than the people around you, that you see adulthood approaching and it both terrifies and delights you in equal measure.

Music has a habit of coming to me at moments where I need it most, and 'Green Light' feels like something of a gift as I woke on the final day of my first week of self-afflicted unemployment from a job I once love but had come to be my unraveling. I felt afraid but somehow resolute, knowing that is done the difficult but right thing.

For me, 'Green Light' is all about the sick elation that comes when something awful befalls you - a medical diagnosis, the end of a relationship, the curtain reveal that your boss knows you're failing or you’re growing apart from your partner. It's that moment of realising that although the new world you now find yourself in is awful, you were right, that the fate you were trying to ignore for so long does exist and that in coming face to face with it, you can finally see past it. Part of this is selfish melodrama - as so beautifully summated in ‘American Bitch' episode of Girls Season 6 (more on that in a separate blog) everybody wants a story. It's part of what makes us who we are- this innate need to live our lives like Hollywood movies with a humble beginning, challenging middle and triumphant end, that big enigmatic moment of realisation before we flip off the haters and sail off into the sunset.

Often, the reality is ugly - it's long days of crying while life carries on without you, whispers behind your back or worse. It’s of knowing that you’re destined for better, but still berating yourself for what you should have said, could have done. But when the clouds clear and you can see the beauty in the mess, it's fucking joyous, a dance down the street as you realise this new chapter is your permission to be exactly who you want to be from this day forward. As Lorde dangles from the window of that car, she is flirting with danger, the exhilaration that comes from taking a step into the unknown with nothing but self-belief to keep her company. And she's never been more powerful. As that chorus builds, so do I- physically piecing myself back together ready for that sign that it's ready to move on, that I've suffered enough and it's time to be happy. I'm tentatively poised on Amber...

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Two big points to head up today's post: 1) Patches are a trend that isn't going anywhere, 2) I really love a band called Wild Beasts. Neither are exactly news around these parts, but should provide some solid context as you read on.

So yeah, let's talk patches. The serious street stylers amongst you can't have failed to miss the fact that pins and patches have been a huge trend for the last couple of seasons - adorning bomber jackets, denim jeans, bags and everything in between, this type of embellishment is no longer the domain of furtive 2006 pocket money trips to the emo stall in your local market (guilty as charged)

Having collected some seriously cool enamel pins over the summer (and popped a ton more on my Pinterest board), I was craving a project that would tap into this trend on my own time and budget. Let's face it, the search for the perfect patch can be expensive and for a trend that has developed out of the desire to be unique, there's a lot of premade ones on the high street that look pretty much exactly the same. Coupled with the desire to create myself a mindful hobby, I figured this was the perfect time to try my hand at something I'd wanted to try my hand at for ages- embroidery.

But what to embroider, I hear you cry? I had the world of Bloglovin' and Pinterest at my disposal and a feminist agenda in mind (haven't I always), but I also had the lyrics of one of my favourite bands new songs ringing in my ears. A little more unique and personal than your standard 'girl boss' or 'girl power' sloganeering, it felt like a song title badass enough to be sporting across my shoulders. And hey, it's less commitment than a tattoo right?

I wanted something a little different, so opted to pimp out my khaki jacket instead of my denim one - plus I love my denim jacket so much I was a wee bit worried about ruining it. The design itself was fairly simple - I loved the flow of 'handwritten' patches and figured it wouldn't be too difficult for a newbie like myself to etch out with a slow simple stitch. Using felt in my favourite colours of pink and yellow, I think this little DIY turned out pretty nifty for a first try. Oh and Wild Beasts themselves liked it on Instagram. What more could a girl ask for?

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Bet you thought I was all about that second-hand hype didn’t ya? Well, you’re obviously not wrong, but it has to be said that a very special piece of my heart belongs to London Fashion Week.

While I haven’t quite made it to the cobbles myself yet (are there even still cobbles now the site has moved?), as always I have loved devouring the shows from the comfort of our own sofa and have picked out a myriad of favourite looks from this season. Whittling it down to just five, here are my five top collections that showed in London a few weeks back...

(all images courtesy of Wonderland Magazine)

Mary Katrantzou

Eye-wateringly complex fabrics mixed with anakara-prints made for an electic look at Mary Katrantzou, indicative of a ‘more is more’ approach that has been creeping into fashion over recent years. I'm not sure we’d be brave enough to rock the whole look ourselves, but I am pretty into that pinafore dress.

Markus Lupfer
Comfy layers meets cutesy bunnies… Markus Lupfer stepped right into our 90s slumber parties for an interesting take on the ‘pyjamas as daywear’ look that’s been sweeping high fashion. Straight from the bedroom to the office – now this is some easy dressing I can get behind!

Sadie Williams
Behold all things 80s! Chock-full of Kid’s-TV presenter worthy colours and tactile embellishments, this is the collection that i'd be waving my money at if I was a buyer. Proof that the primary palette is definitely back in – geometric shapes and lots of black bring a high fashion edge to these play school shades to create something fun but still grown-up.

H! by Henry Holland
Do we ever not love Henry Holland? Honouring his tenth anniversary by bringing back his now-classic slogan tees, we’re loving the nod to supermodels old and new in kitschy combos. ‘Let’s breed, Bella Hadid?’ Genius.

Topshop Unique
Topshop Unique felt very 80s power mom this season – whether dressed down in oversized denim and florals at home or vamped up in animal print for the office, the power play of the two different sides of woman felt clear and ultimately very wearable. Good news considering the fact that this is one of the few collections suitable for a less-than-decadent budget. Set us aside some zebra print – everyone knows that leopard is soooo last season.

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